Toronto – Sources inside the financial firm Dewsom & Thrift are reporting that 24-year old unpaid office intern Eric McDonagh has gone mad with his own lack of power. “At first it was j…
Business
Kevin O’Leary completes hostile takeover of children’s lemonade stand
TORONTO – Sources inside O’Leary Funds say that their CEO has successfully gained controlling ownership of Timothy and Caroline Gowan’s lemonade stand in Toronto’s west end. “Now that we control …
Blackberry execs consider taking out the battery and putting it back in
WATERLOO – With market share rapidly diminishing and the latest Blackberry 10 phones not performing as expected, Blackberry President and CEO Thorsten Heins announced that the company was c…
Jenny Craig introduces new ‘All Self-Loathing Diet’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing. “It’s really quite simple,” exp…
Loblaw purchases Shoppers Drug Mart, forgets to use Optimum card
TORONTO – Loblaw Cos. proudly announced today the $12.4 billion acquisition of Shoppers Drug Mart Corp. in a move that has merged two of Canada’s biggest retailers but failed to provide any…
Four bankers killed after giant novelty cheque bounces
MISSISSAUGA, ON – After receiving a deposit from a charity golf tournament, four Bank of Montreal employees found out the endorser had insufficient funds the hard way. Two tellers, a mortgage con…
Job creators slam food critic for describing chocolate cake as ‘rich’
NEW YORK – Right-wing commentators have slammed New York Times food critic Shauna Campbell for a recent review in which she described a chocolate cake as ‘rich.’ Presidential Ca…
Keyword term “google” number one most searched item on Bing for 28th straight month
REDMOND, WA – Microsoft’s search engine Bing revealed its most searched items for the month of January, with the search phrase “google” coming in first a record 28th strai…
