WASHINGTON D.C. – Addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth carefully laid out a variety of options for which brand would sponsor his upcoming livestreamed public execution.
“Gentlemen, and I do mean men, this is a vitally important decision,” explained a camera-ready Hegseth to the assembled military leaders. “We must choose whether to accept brand consideration, as well as a hefty ‘finders fee’, from one of these two quintessentially American brands: a sports betting app, or a high calorie snack food flavored like a different deep fried food.”
“The question remains: which of these brands best represents our core values, of executing a human being live on the internet,” Hegseth added, before calling a 15 minute break to have his makeup re-applied.
The planned military execution of Nidal Hasan, a former Army psychiatrist who killed 13 people and wounded 32 at Fort Hood, Texas, in 2009, will reportedly feature multiple commercial breaks, according to a DoW spokesman. Other sponsors reportedly being considered are UFC, Polymarket, Carl’s Jr, Pornhub, Joe Rogan’s upcoming Senate campaign, the forthcoming Fast & Furious 11 sequel, and whatever AI company is left standing after the bubble bursts.
President Trump’s World Liberty Financial Trust Company has been offered a chance to sponsor, though that deal would see the U.S. military paying a fee to the president’s cryptocurrency exchange.
“Rest assured, when Americans tune in to slake their collective bloodlust by watching this state-sanctioned murder, they will know which multimillion dollar corporation offered promotional consideration,” Hegseth intoned, before announcing that he will host a spinoff reality competition show in which everyday Americans compete to become a member of the livestreamed firing squad.
At press time, the joint chiefs eliminated Dorito for sponsorship consideration after agreeing they technically counted as “Mexican food”.
