OTTAWA – With his Conservative Party trailing the governing Liberals by double digits in recent opinion polling, a desperate Pierre Poilievre today announced his latest plan to boost his popularity: a ‘Fuck a Fan’ contest.
After losing last year’s federal election, Poilievre admitted today at a press conference that he has had difficulties connecting with Canadians. He believes this new plan, however, will see him recapture the magic that at one point had his party polling 20 points ahead of the Liberals.
“In my new home of Battle River, Alberta – where I totally spend all of my time and am familiar with – everywhere I go I see countless flags that say ‘Fuck Carney’ and ‘Fuck Trudeau’, which is when it finally clicked. Canadians want a leader that they can have sex with.”
The Conservative Party leader promises that one lucky Canadian, chosen at random, will have their world rocked by an unforgettable night of passion.
“Don’t worry, there is nothing you need to do to enter this contest. Everyone who filed taxes last year will be automatically entered.”
When pressed on how the Conservative Party has access to this information, Poilievre simply said, “If you saw the stuff we did with your private information when Harper was in office you’d hurl.”
Known for his penchant for slogans, Poilievre added to his repertoire by concluding with “Axe the tax. Stop the crime. Fuck the Canuck”.
While this announcement may sound unusual in Canada’s political landscape, Poilievre is in fact not the first federal party leader to hold such a contest. Historians widely attest R.B. Bennett’s victory in the 1930 federal election to his campaign’s “Bed A Backer” promotion. Bennett was facing off against Liberal Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King. Bennett, a severe alcoholic who was known for improvising most of his speeches, one day told a crowd of supporters in Coaticook, Quebec: “King’s government is fucking you every day that they refuse to address our present economic crisis! I promise that, as your Prime Minister, you will only be fucked by me in bed!”. The “Bed A Backer” contest came to dominate the campaign, as Canadians from all across the country wanted a piece of Bennett, who was known for his extraordinarily good looks. By tying the contest to King’s failures, Bennett galvanized the support that led him to a majority government.
Doug Rickey, an accountant from Halifax, considers himself a swing voter, and says he will be paying close attention to this contest.
“He talks a big game with this ‘unforgettable’ business, but if he really can deliver and bring the winning fan to orgasm at least – oh I don’t know – three times, I may end up voting for him next time around.”
When asked how he would confirm this, Rickey admitted he was not exactly sure but assumed the winning fan would hold some kind of press conference the morning after. Frank Robford works in Alberta’s oil and gas industry, and wants to win so badly that he filed his taxes for the first time upon learning of the contest.
At press time, Mark Carney announced his own contest to “Give fellatio to a Canadio” where he promises that he will “blow you like Pierre blew last year’s election.”
