WASHINGTON, D.C. – After six months of military humiliation in his war with Iran Donald Trump has declared a new plan to damage the Iranian economy as viciously as he has the American economy.
“For 47 years no president had the guts to do what I did,” proclaimed Trump. “We’ve achieved every goal except for all of them, and now I’m announcing that I will defeat Iran by doing what I do best: Destroying economic prosperity.”
“I have proven over and over in my life how good I am at destroying things: Casinos, football teams, marriages, reputations. Nobody can destroy a country better than me. Am I right?”
Using the model Trump perfected in his business life that led to American banks refusing to loan him money, the goal is to make Iran an undesirable pariah that no one wants to trade with.
Trump will also send into Iran his top team of people to wreck things. RFK Jr has been assigned to make Iranian food as dangerous to eat as he has in the United States, as well as to enable measles and polio to spread among children. Meanwhile, Elon Musk is assembling another army of 20 year old incels to eliminate all infrastructure.
“Huh. We looked and everyone in the Iranian government is Muslim. That’s DEI gone crazy. Leading a country can only be done by a member of the master race,” said Musk as he rubbed his surgically enhanced chin and stroked his hair implants.
At press time, the U.S. military was breathing a sigh of relief at the new strategy as the depletion of their ammunition had reduced bombers to dropping unsold DVDs of Rob Schneider movies in an attempt to destroy the Iranians’ will to live.
