WASHINGTON D.C. – With the Strait of Hormuz shut down by Iranian forces following the U.S.-Israel-led invasion, President Donald Trump has publicly invited his “pathetic baby NATO allies” to send warships and secure the vital shipping lane.
“Obviously it makes no sense for me to send American troops to secure the Strait, because I already won the war two weeks ago,” Trump insisted to reporters. “So the only question is which of America’s weak, freeloading, dickless chode allies gets the great honour of putting their boots on the ground to defeat the Iranian military.”
“Canada? I’m looking in your direction,” Trump added, before spitting on a maple leaf flag.
Over the next hour, Trump invited various traditional U.S. ally nations to “compete for the great honour, you pussies” of launching a full-frontal assault against Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps on their home turf.
“C’mon, Britain, you chinless deadbeats used to love joining our American wars of choice in the Middle East,” Trump continued, snapping his fingers. “Or China, who I maintain are raping our country, why don’t you dirty commies want to come fight this war for me?”
Trump offered to “sweeten the deal” by lowering the tariff rates of any countries who deploy military aid to the Strait of Hormuz “from 15% to 15%. What an amazing deal, you gutless foreign idiots!”
In response, every world leader around the globe has reportedly changed their number and announced that they are busy from now until whenever the heart attack finally happens.
