WASHINGTON D.C. – American Vice President JD Vance has posted online, slamming the country of Canada’s economic and immigration policies, which insiders reveal stems from hurt feelings over being sexually rebuffed by a Canadian chesterfield.
“For weeks now Vance would not stop talking about this ‘super fuckable sidepiece’ he’d been DMing, though when we asked who it was he’d insist ‘Oh, she’s up in Canada, you wouldn’t know her’,” revealed Trump Administration strategist Steve Bannon.
Bannon, who emphatically did not wish to be anonymous, elaborated, “Finally Vance was bragging about travelling up to Ottawa on a fake diplomatic summit, but before he leaves it turns out this Canadian sofa had turned him down flat. Hence, the anger tweeting.”
The storm of angry posts saw Vance railing against Canada’s “immigration insanity”, “stagnating living standards”, and “lack of readily available water-based furniture lube in your sex boutiques”.
“Your problems have nothing to do with Donald Trump or whatever bogeyman the CBC tells you to blame. Also, tell that stuck up Allington Top Grain Leather Chesterfield that I can pull a way hotter sofa than her any day of the week!” tweeted the man one heartbeat away from the American presidency.
The Office of the Vice President has steadfastly denied widespread rumours of sexual predilections whatsoever involving Vance and sofas, couches, or sectionals. However, several likes and sexually suggestive comments were left on The Brick’s instagram page by a user “CouchSurfer69”, which also routinely posted comms messages directly from Vice President Vance.
Vance, who has routinely railed against all forms of non-wife immigration, nonetheless reportedly fixated on the “exotic sounding” chesterfield, a term used primarily in Canada to denote an upscale buttoned sofa, often upholstered in rich leather.
“I read that definition out loud one time, and JD immediately ejaculated in his slacks,” recalled Bannon in between morning scotches.
At press time Vance is reportedly urging President Trump to shift his planned invasion meant to distract from the Epstein Files from Venezuela to Canada.
