Brandon, MB – Local meteorologists confirmed today what residents already felt in their hearts: the light rain forecast for this weekend will do absolutely nothing to address the bird shit situation.
“We’ve run the models,” said Environment Canada meteorologist Dr. Paul Hettrick. “We expect 3.4 mm of rainfall over a six-hour period. It’s enough to dampen your jacket, but it’s no match for the three-dimensional diarrhea on your windshield.”
Hettrick confirmed that, actually, the drizzle would likely make everything worse. “Rain will interact with existing deposits, meeting the ‘Smear Threshold,’ a critical point at which moisture is sufficient to mobilize excrement across a surface but insufficient to remove it. This usually results in a thinner albeit more spread-out fecal glaze.”
Until a more substantial downfall hits, affected surfaces will remain untouchable: the war memorial, every bench you can think of, and somehow the underside of your door handle.
Outside a downtown Tim Hortons, resident Sandra Pellegrino weighed in, saying she had been counting on the rain. “I specifically did not clean my patio furniture,” said Pellegrino, staring at a sky that had already begun to produce a useless mist. “I thought Mother Nature would handle it.”
Mother Nature confirmed, in an email, that she would not be handling it, saying, “I’m not here to clean up after everyone.” She also asked people to divest from fossil fuels before contacting her again about washing their fucking Muskoka chairs.
The birds could not be reached for comment. Local ornithologist Dr. Anita Chowdhury, however, said they appear delighted. “From the birds’ perspective, they’re winning a war,” said Chowdhury. “We’re seeing bold new offensives near the Canadian Tire.”
When asked whether the drizzle might at least deter the birds temporarily, Chowdhury said that birds are largely indifferent to light precipitation. “If anything, the seagulls are mobilizing.”
Sunday’s forecast calls for the rain to clear by early afternoon, giving way to sunny skies and ideal conditions for long-range attacks. Residents in the immediate vicinity of City Hall are considered on the front line.
Residents are advised to carry an umbrella. Meteorologists stress this will not help with what they are thinking of.
