SANTA CLARA, CA – Team USA is triumphantly announcing their third gold medal since the start of the Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics, in the much-watched Super Bowl event.
“No other country stood a chance against America in the Super Bowl event!,” shouted “USA Number One!” shouted Seattle Seahawks head coach Mike Macdonald amid chants of ‘U!S!A!’ from the jubilant crowd. “I think it says a lot about America that no other teams from around the world even made it to the Super Bowl! USA number one!”
With this victory, American players have extended their unprecedented streak of dominance to 60 straight gold and silver medals in the Super Bowl. Sam Darnold, quarterback for the victorious American team, said that it was an honour to bring home the gold medal in front of such a friendly crowd.
“I actually expected the stands to be packed with more Italian fans who were heartbroken at missing out on the finals again, but I didn’t see a single Italian flag all night,” Darnold mused. “Still, it feels amazing to prove once again that Americans are the best in the world at American-style football! USA!”
Asked to step out his victorious coaching strategy, Macdonald recounted his team’s arduous path to the gold medal match. “After our blowout win in the quarterfinals against Other Team USA, the boys were feeling great, but I was a little worried they would get too cocky. That close semifinal match against Team USA really put things in perspective and reminded them that if they were going to take down Team USA for the gold medal, they wouldn’t be able to take anything for granted, and that’s exactly what they did tonight against our arch-rivals, the American team”.
At press time President Trump has is taken credit for inspiring the gold medal football victory, while criticizing Super Bowl organizers for their half time show featuring “a non-American citizen”, namely Puerto Rico’s Bad Bunny.
