TORONTO – Citing an exhaustive battery of treatment, dermatologist Dr. Barbara Sanders has officially terminated all care of your profoundly and irredeemably stupid face.
When Dr. Sanders first saw your face, she tried traditional methods of gentle cleansers, dietary changes, and doxycycline. As time went on, she tried more experimental methods, while her medical support team would call in sick just to avoid having to see you. Even the dermatological medical sales reps were unable to offer her any support, finding your face to be no match for the latest advances in skin science.
“We cleared up the perioral dermatitis before Hailey Bieber made it cool, and were able to get the pores down to nearly imperceptible size,” explained Dr. Sanders while pretending to work on a patient who was born with a naturally flawless face. “I can’t explain why your face sucks. Is it not structurally sound, are your features slightly off, or is your face just not face-y enough?”
In the clinical notes, obtained by The Beaverton, Dr. Sanders started out hopeful of being able to correct what she saw when she looked at you. Early entries suggested a grand reveal would happen and you’d have an after-photo. However, her last note mentioned not being a “magician” and your face remains “conceptually weak.”
Friends of yours have talked behind your back about how stupid your face is since high school, so they were unsurprised when the Global Dermatologist Association gave up on you. “Not surprising, I knew it was a lost cause,” said your childhood best friend. “We tried to help with makeup, hats, bluffs, sunglasses. The only thing that worked was covering it completely. It’s too bad wearing a mask didn’t take off after the pandemic.”
On a positive note, Dr. Sanders has offered a medical note to allow you to find happiness by moving to a town where no one knows you and to come up with a compelling back story as to why you have such a stupid face.
