OTTAWA – Canadians nationwide are expressing their anger and frustration with Alberta Premier Danielle Smith’s proposed Sovereignty Act, fearing that it could mean that the province will remain a part of The Dominion.
Early response to the Sovereignty proposal received 88% support from Canadians, however that soon dissipated to 3% after it was revealed that, despite its strong wording, Alberta was not going to finally just leave already.
“It’s such a tease!” complained Elliot Chan, of Gander, NFLD. “You can’t just throw around words like ‘sovereignty’, get us all excited and just add ‘Oh, by the way, I’m going to stick around’. How dare you fool us into believing that maybe that jackass who left Newfoundland for Fort Mac, and then moved back here with a Ford F-450 and an out-of-control coke habit, could actually be deported?!”.
Regina resident Elaine Markowicz added “I long for the Western skyline to be disrupted by border checkpoints. Oh man, can you imagine if some of those convoy guys decided to blockade it? That’s the dream”,
Residents of Alberta were similarly perturbed. Morgan Hannover of Lethbridge cited her initial excitement. “My friends and I were already picking out names for our new nation! ‘Fueland’, ‘Getyoursafespaceoutofthewayofmyrigistan’, ‘masksoffyapussystein’! What a rip off!”
Gary Gertmann of Edmonton added, “I was really looking forward to being a landlocked nation whose entire economy is based on a finite, technology-bypassing, commodity with far more sophisticated competition and whose price is controlled by the whims of despots the world over.”
Martha Burnce of Airdre noted, “It turns out the Sovereignty Act was just giving Smith dictatorial powers. Damn it, Danielle, if you want attention that badly just do it the normal way, date a guy on the Flames and document it all on instagram.”
In neighbouring provinces a great deal of lamentation was expressed at the lost potential of such a change to the nation’s boundaries.
Meanwhile in Quebec, site of its own sovereignty debates, the reaction to Alberta’s legislation was somewhat lighthearted. “I think it’s cute. Total amateur hour,” remarked Alain Drapeau, of Trois-Rivières. “You can’t just call something a ‘sovereignty’ act, you have to mean it. Quebecois know that real sovereignty is like seduction. First you start with riots, some referendums. Make them think you really want to go. The next thing you know they’re standing outside your home with candy and flowers, pouring money into your coffers, and turning a blind eye to any Neo-Fascist laws you can think of!”.
Numerous efforts were made to get commentary from residents of PEI, but all are missing and presumed drowned after the Atlantic region’s most recent climate-change-induced storm-of-the-century.