AUSTIN, TX – Shortly after the Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, Texas’ new laws against abortion have expanded to also include bans on life saving surgeries of cancerous tumours if that tumour is one of the ones that grows hair and teeth.
“If the tumour has hair and/or teeth, that’s just too human,” said Texas representative Ben Duarte. “No matter its DNA, how can you kill something that is basically a human? Sometimes a mop is leaning upside down in my cupboard just so that it looks like a blonde human woman. Next thing I know I’m taking her out on a date and making her watch me eat a fillet mignon in three bites.”
Duarte continued, “At three weeks, a tumour might already have about 1 million cells. Listen, I bet I don’t have that many cells in my brain! That little 1mm long tumour could basically do my job.”
However, because a cancerous tumour doesn’t have a heartbeat, the state legislature is putting forward the Teeth and Hair Act which states that if any parasitic growth appears in or on a woman in Texas and grows hair, teeth, or any other characteristic that is even slightly anthropomorphic, that growth must remain on the body.
This could also include: a pimple that looks like an eye following you with its gaze no matter where you walk, a skin-tag that’s in the shape of Chunk from “The Goonies”, or a tapeworm that maybe looks like it has a little arm that can wave at you.
Nella Sanderson, an avid pro-lifer wearing a “Life begins at Metastasis” T-shirt, reached out with her support of the new law, claiming, “It’s about time. Too many women are getting their tumours removed for selfish reasons. I mean, what if that cancer grows up to cure cancer?”
Cancer patient and pro-lifer Madeleine Hopkins agreed with Sanderson, saying, “When my tumour turned out to be one of those creepy ones that grows hair, I was horrified. But thanks to the new law that told me it is my child, I love it! I have two weeks to live, but little Tina is my pride and joy. She makes every day of agony worth it.”
On the contrary, pro-choicer Gracie-Mae Shea who’s fighting to get surgery stated, “It’s ridiculous. They’re forcing me to carry this tumour because it has teeth, but they won’t even cover dental for the braces it needs.”
At press time, Rep. Ben Duarte revealed that men would obviously still be able to get their life saving surgeries, as well as their mistresses.