Wilmington, Delaware – At a campaign event former Vice President Joe Biden re-affirmed that despite his old age he would keep fighting for the one thing he believed in, that unlike all other developed nations Americans should not have universal access to healthcare.
“I’ve heard a lot of people say that I’m too old, that I shouldn’t be running for the democratic nomination,” bellowed Joe Biden, facing away from the audience. “To them I say, I can be just as harmful to health care reform as someone half my age. I’m looking at you Buttigieg”
The former senator and vice president is using excuses he has developed over his decades long career to try to stop democrats from voting for a pro healthcare candidate including “How would you pay for it?”, “it would inconvenience the small amount of Americans with comprehensive union coverage” and telling a long rambling story filled with obscure 1950’s colloquialisms like buster, buckaroo and ‘filthy rat loving dog catcher’
“I respect Joe Biden, it would be really easy for him to look at his legislative record and rest on his laurels of not passing healthcare, not passing gun control and not ending the war in Iraq.” said primary voter Simon Monterey “But not good ol’ Joe, he’s always striving to not do more.”
In an effort to solidify himself as the preeminent anti-healthcare candidate, Trump has begun stating in interviews that Hunter Biden was actually in Ukraine in order to import universal healthcare. Joe Biden has viciously denied that claim, stating “I tried to stop Obama from doing it and I damn sure wouldn’t let my son do it.”
With the extensive travel and long hours of a primary campaign many are worried about Biden’s health but fortunately, because he was in a federal position for over 5 years, he is completely covered under the Federal Employees Health Benefits.