Attending an adult Halloween party serves one goal and one goal only: How can you get laid while only feeling mildly inappropriate for sleeping with an institution from your childhood?
If you were one of the many perverts who was disappointed that the errant clown sightings in 2016 seemed to be coming to an end, fear not! This year, you won’t be able to get far without locking eyes with the uber delicious terror of Derry, Maine’s IT!
However the question of the season remains, which slightly off-kilter variation of Pennywise the Dancing Clown will you take home this Hallow’s Eve?
1. What’s your Halloween costume?
Sexy Canada Post Worker™
Trump’s Wall, but like in a post-post-post-ironic way
Oh fuck… Mark Zuckerberg… Louis C.K.… some other guy that wears a t-shirt...
2. What are you drinking?
Tequila shots out of a seasonally decorative gourd
Warm cans of beer that you keep pulling out of your pockets
An entire box of wine
3. What’s your relationship status?
Happily and perfectly normally single
“I'm so lucky that my significant other is my best friend”
Stuck in flesh prison, unable to form meaningful bonds with anyone around me
4. How soon do you leave this party to get food?
After 3 am, good luck trying to get me out of your house
I’ve been snacking on chicken nuggets stashed in my pants this whole time
As soon as we attempt to go to a second location
5. What costume is your crush wearing?
Which Pennywise will you fuck this Halloween?
He’s got sharp buck-teeth. He hasn’t stopped drooling since you walked in. His hairline isn’t so much as receding as it’s making room for the girth of his forehead. This stud is literally bending over backwards to make you laugh because he knows that laughter is the best aphrodisiac. IT’s got a roll of red balloons in his pocket just waiting to be popped.
If it feels like things are moving too fast, you’ll wonder how did IT even find you? Was it an asteroid that came down to Earth or just a really narrow Tinder radius that brought IT here?
However it happened, you know this clown wants to get you down into his storm drain, oh, but you were already wet.
Even though none of the other adults at the party can see him, you can. You know he’s different. Yes he eats the fear of unsuspecting children but he can also eat you out. His cheap dollar store makeup is practically melting off from how hot and bothered he’s getting. But the real monster underneath? Realizing that your Pennywise paramour is actually just some guy you work with.