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Thousand of sober, intelligent art aficionados to enjoy Nuit Blanche by not attending

TORONTO – Citing their devotion to meaningful artistic endeavours, throngs of thoughtful art enthusiasts, who, sources say, are completely in control of their faculties, will be getting the most out of this year’s Nuit Blanche experience by avoiding the all-night festivities entirely.

“I remember last year, the first time I went to Nuit Blanche,” said Art Gallery of Ontario member Gilda Hershing, 48, recalling how she vowed never to return after stepping in vomit twice at one of several dozen installations scattered across the city, from which sloshed partiers are completely unable derive any aesthetic appreciation. “I’m excited for tonight! I’ll probably have some tea and take a bath while finishing the book on Monet I’m reading so I can pick up that new Van Gogh biography from the library tomorrow.”

“I think that will be much more enjoyable for me as an art lover,” she added.

Nuit Blanche started in Toronto in 2006, after importing the idea from France, a culture that – experts say – has evolved the ability to appreciate art and wine at the same time. Later, Nuit Blanche became Scotiabank Nuit Blanche, but the organization changed back to Nuit Blanche in 2015.

“There’s a reason why we no longer sponsor Nuit Blanche,” said Scotiabank representative Douglas McHutchinson. “We’d rather devote our resources toward something more synonymous with temperate, creative entertainment, like the naming rights to stadium where the Toronto Maple Leafs play.”

“I would gladly devote the other 364 days of my year to appreciating stimulating and challenging art,” said Jonathan Merrick, 28, who studied at the Royal College of Art in the UK. “You know, as opposed to gawking at a bunch of tarps strung up by OCAD drop-outs meant to symbolize “urban whimsy” or some such nonsense.”

At press time, several witnesses report a man, barely able to stand, exclaim that he “doesn’t get [the art exhibit that’s in front of him.]”

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