Rational Alex Jones is sick of everyone stealing the good conspiracy theories - The Beaverton
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Rational Alex Jones is sick of everyone...
National
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Canada Votes 2015
Theodore Tugboat gets stuck in northwest passage
Supreme Court rules carbon tax constitutional after invoking ‘We’re All Gonna Fucking Die’ principle
Conservative delegates vote against recognizing Climate Change, winning elections
Erin O’Toole opens Conservative Convention with promise to have fewer ideas
Local woman apologizes for apologizing
This baby born in quarantine is 38 now
“You can only trust your family!” says mother who doesn’t trust her children
“You’re not like other girls,” says man exactly like all other men
Torontonian engages in beloved Toronto pastime of threatening to leave Toronto
West Toronto getting close to 2025 goal of 1 cannabis dispensary per household
Toronto residents announce plans to pronounce even fewer letters in word ‘Toronto’
John Tory finally captures arch nemesis – man who built shelters for homeless
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
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“Why did Meghan murder Prince Philip?” ask British tabloids
Queen’s cousin dies
Prince Philip named Sexiest Man Kinda Alive
Prince William named world’s sexiest bald man as if Mr. Clean isn’t literally right there
New Georgia law gives voters AR-15s to protect themselves from criminals trying to give them food and water
White supremacist organization clears white supremacist of white supremacy
Governor brags that death tolls are bigger in Texas
Trudeau, Biden talk sports, how to break central campaign promises
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Sports
Sports
Blue Jays use money saved by removing radio broadcast to do nothing
NHL finally finds the one bad referee causing officiating problems in all games
Hockey Night In Canada names Piers Morgan new host of Coach’s Corner
Third man on bobsleigh team admits he sometimes tilts head the wrong way just to feel something
Business
Business
West Toronto getting close to 2025 goal of 1 cannabis dispensary per household
Long-term care facilities to drop “long” and “care” from name
First Bitcoin ETF will combine simplicity of cryptocurrency with integrity of investment stocks
Rogers can’t fucking believe they’re the less evil telecom giant
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Netflix adds ‘movies set in New York but it’s obviously Toronto’ category
CDC warns of ‘catastrophic surplus of hornt-up energy’ as Regé-Jean Page exits Bridgerton Season 2
Netfilx’s newest dating show asks: Can we get these sexy singles to fuck this tree?
Zack Snyder confirms new Justice League cut is four hours long because it’s entirely in slow motion
Nation’s dads just reminding you that Mom’s birthday coming up, not that you’d forget
Re-opening escape room owners find dozens of trapped corpses
Sleepy man just going to lie down on this couch, and whatever happens, happens
Local introvert regrets making that wish on Monkey’s Paw last year
I got every covid vaccine. Here’s how they all taste.
Local woman faces Sophie’s Choice between having secure mental health and having an orgasm
Doug Ford clarifies Yorkdale Mall still open for essential Versace, BVLGARI, and Fendi supplies
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
Editorial: We’re getting through the entire damn Seder this Passover or so help me I will end you all – by Uncle Morris
Ford promises Oosterhoff controversy will not distract government from the vital work of bungling vaccine distribution
EDITORIAL: Antifa spoiled my crops, soured my dairy cows, and fucked my wife
Editorial: Woke cancel culture has gone too far and no, I don’t have any specific examples – by Rex Murphy
Nation’s dads just reminding you that Mom’s birthday coming up, not that you’d forget
Father giving up on son for Lent
Woman diligently washing vibrator pretty sure she could be a good mom
‘So far so good’ reports baby carrying around Ming Dynasty vase
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
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Choice Your Own Adventure
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I got every covid vaccine. Here’s how they all taste.
RETRO ATTACK! Jordan Peterson is back after someone mistakenly fed him after midnight
Which vax tracks and which ones are hacks? Our intern tries ALL the new Covid vaccines!
Goals! How these two millennials managed to buy a home in Toronto
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Was seeing Jean Chretien choke a guy your sexual awakening or are you normal?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
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Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
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Rational Alex Jones is sick of everyone stealing the good conspiracy theories
“Stay off my turf.”
