Hello website. As you may know, I am Eric Trump and I appear regularly in photographs with the Trump family, because I am in it. I have a father AND a brother named Donald Trump and one of them – likely my father – is the President. I wear a suit and have a valid driver’s license. I can shoot an animal if somebody gives me a gun, and gets me pretty close to the animal. I’m pretty much the complete package, which makes what I’m about to discuss an even weirder mystery.
As suspect interactions and apparent connections surface tying the Trump administration to Russia, it seems each day brings more questions than answers. What was the actual level of the Russian government’s tampering? What was their ultimate goal? And possibly the most important question of all: Why was I, Eric Trump, the one and only person connected to the presidency that Russia made no attempt to compromise, or even contact. What gives?!
As reports in recent weeks confirm, Wilbur Ross, Paul Manafort, Rex Tillerson, Jeff Sessions, Carter Page, and not to give it away but everybody else except me, has somehow been in contact with or connected to Russia in a potentially compromising way. And it’s hard not to be KIND OF offended.
Both Michael Flynn and Jeff Sessions are reported to have had meetings with Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak before the election, with Sessions even denying those meetings under oath. Jared Kusher met with Sergei Kislyak at Trump tower. I spoke with Sergei Kislyak on the phone for three minutes until he realized I wasn’t my half-brother Barron, at which he asked me to put Barron on the phone.
Barron is ten years old and has been offered extensive power and influence by the Russian government. I am a grown man and have not, and he teases me about this relentlessly. Hey Russia: I’m way taller and all my teeth are here to stay! Get on the winning team!
Much like when I was a boy, and would be picked last for animal shooting, this hurts. If any other country wants to collude with me, I am available. And affordable: I don’t have integrity and my price is very low. I have my own phone and run decently fast. I am a very difficult person to catch doing something wrong, because people try not to acknowledge me or make eye contact with me as a rule. I also have a very secure email password: xtrumperic84x. I have a credit card, I always look wet, I run a corporation and I can yell very loud if you need me to. Who are those ones Russia doesn’t like, Ukranians? I’d be a huge asset for them. Get me while I’m hot, Ukrania!