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Tragedy: Milk bag spout cut too wide

Markham, ON — Tragedy struck a family home Tuesday morning after local father Russ Melman cut the spout of a bag too wide.

Mr. Melman said he immediately realized his mistake, but the damage had already been done.

Melman’s daughter Allison was the first to bear the brunt of her father’s grave misdoing.

“That spout became a gaping mouth of destruction, consuming all in its path,” said a sombre, milk-covered Allison Melman.

Mr. Melman, who has been estranged from his family since the incident, says he deeply regrets his actions. “If I had the chance to go back, I would do everything in my power to make it right.”

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book