Local woman being gaslighted by raccoons - The Beaverton

Local woman being gaslighted by raccoons

TORONTO – Using their urban survival skills and manual dexterity, a family of raccoons is taking perverse pleasure in making a local woman think she’s losing her mind.

“I could have sworn I had cushions here,” said 27 year-old bartender Laura Katzberg, referring to her outdoor furniture left on her deck that the gaze of raccoons recently absconded with. “Or maybe I brought them to my parent’s house? But I don’t remember doing that. I don’t even know anymore.”

While not having any malicious intent and simply following their instinct to gather items they deem useful, the raccoons have also managed to misplace some of Katzberg’s important mail on more than one occasion.

“I keep waiting for my replacement Visa to come, but it never does. I keep calling and asking them to resend it, but it’s been weeks and nothing. Now my account has been flagged because they think I’m the one trying to steal my identity. How can I steal my identity?”

According to witnesses, Laura was content to brush off these incidents as simple forgetfulness or bad luck, but she then became alarmed when the raccoons, who routinely rummage through the garbage bins in the alley, used the refuse to spell out her initials on the front lawn entirely by chance.

“It says L-K!” read the caption of the photographic evidence she posted on Facebook. “I think I might have a stalker,” although many friends wrote that had trouble seeing it, reassuring her she had nothing to worry about, and it was probably just caused by the wind.

However, her relief was short lived as things came to a head last night when the naturally curious raccoons stumbled across an old outdoor light switch with crossed wires, which they took to turning on and off apparently for fun, sporadically illuminating and darkening Laura’s kitchen while she was inside.

“I was reading in bed and Laura just starts screaming that the lights are going crazy,” said Laura’s roommate Sarah.

“But when I got there, everything was fine. I don’t know, maybe she’s the one going crazy. I’ve encouraged her to talk to someone.”

At press time, Katzberg was telling all of this to her psychiatrist who was actually just three raccoons in a lab coat.