EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Rachel Notley announced today that her government has enacted new legislation to ban the use of pickup trucks within the province effective January 1, 2017, with a steak prohibition to follow six months later.
“Albertans made a democratic choice in the last election to put a socialist horde in charge. As Premier, I will honour their decision by implementing bold, progressive policies like these,” Ms. Notley said during a midday press conference.
“With the effective shutdown of Alberta’s oil patch, there’s no need for every other vehicle to be a pickup truck. We’re seizing the momentum to pivot our economy further away from our gas-guzzling past, towards being a Meatless Marxist Utopia of the highest order.”
A briefing note from the Alberta Ministry of Transportation and Collectivization states all truck owners are required to surrender their vehicles at their nearest Provincial Asset Redistribution Centre. In exchange, they will be issued vouchers for time credits on the government’s new shared fleet of Nissan Leaf electric subcompact cars.
“These Nissan Leafs are cute as heck and peppier than you might expect. We’re sure the truck people are going to be really happy with their new smaller carbon footprints.” Ms. Notley noted. Further details on the steak ban will follow early in the new year.
At press time, most of Central and Southern Alberta was in flames and a pitchfork-wielding mob could be seen gathering near the Legislature.