As teams gear up for the annual playoff battle and the Leafs gear up for their annual schvitz, its time for The Beaverton‘s experts to break down the match ups, rivalries and action that will unfold in Round One. Up first, the teams your dad is able to stay awake for their games, its the Eastern Conference!
Montreal Canadiens v. Ottawa Senators
The Matchup: The franchise that holds most of the NHL records versus the one that holds the record for worst regular season in history.
Fan Rivalry: This series will prove once and for all whose fans sing the national anthem in French better.
X-Factor: Will McDonalds orders a “cease and desist” against Andrew Hammond?
The Habs will win if: they know what’s good for them
The Sens will win if: their players can make the journey back home from Kanata without hitting any wandering cattle
Our pick: VIA Rail
New York Rangers v. Pittsburgh Penguins
The Matchup: The best team in the eastern conference versus the team your friend who doesn’t watch hockey assumes is the best team in the east.
Fan Rivalry: The blue collar fans of Pittsburgh go head to head with the blue collar fans who can no longer afford to live in New York.
X-Factor: Can Pittsburgh overcome the flesh eating virus that is rampaging through their locker room?
The Rangers will win if: They don’t get distracted by the celebrities who show up to home games and pretend they like hockey
The Pens will win if: Reebok lets Sidney Crosby leave the commercial shoot early
Our pick: Rangers in Seven, Crosby in our hearts forever
Tampa Bay Lightning v. Detroit Red Wings
The Matchup: A team whose city keeps forgetting they exist versus a team whose city needs this god damit!
Fan Rivalry: Red Wings fans are some of the loudest in the league. Lightning fans probably exist.
X-Factor: Will Bolts GM Steve Yzerman murder the next journalist who asks him about facing his former team?
The Lightning will win if: The City of Detroit is sold to its creditors
The Wings will win if: Steven Stamkos injures his goalie in warm ups with the power of his shot.
Our pick: Detroit becomes a breeding ground for artists and creative types who come to live cheaply and end up reinvigorating the city. Also Lightning in 5.
Washington Capitals v. New York Islanders
The Matchup: Two superstars with shitty supporting casts square off! One out of every three shifts is guaranteed to be very exciting.
Fan Rivalry: The House of Cards-esque scumbags of D.C. versus The Wolf of Wall Street-esque scumbags of Long Island. Expect at least one track pant wearing gentleman to tell a Kevin Spacey look alike to go fuck his mother.
X-Factor: How does Caps coach Barry Trotz turn his head from side to side with no neck?
The Caps will win if: Vladimir Putin threatens to send Alexander Ovechkin to a Siberian work camp for losing
The Islanders will win if: Jonathan Tavares learns how to smile
Our pick: Mother Russia
