PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA – Following a judge’s ruling that he did not murder Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius pledged that he would approach his next domestic homicide far more cautiously.
“I am deeply sorry for my actions,” said Pistorius. “I promise that when my next string of spousal abuses comes to its horrific conclusion, it will be done in a way that the courts will not be able to get involved. Ideally, I won’t even be a suspect.”
“That’s basically everything I’ve learned from this experience.”
Pistorius then went on to explain that he would invest in a silencer and untraceable firearm in the almost inevitable death of his next significant other.
“I definitely won’t shoot her through the wall, bullet holes in a house are extremely suspicious,” Pistorius went on. “And just leaving her on the ground like that? Man, what was I thinking! It’s not like a grave is all that hard to dig. Next time is going to be so much better.”
At press time, the court had ordered the Steenkamp family to reimburse Pistorius for the bathroom door.
