BEIJING – Chinese state-sponsored hackers were disappointed after hacking into Canadian government and business research archives and discovering they contained little to no valuable information.
“Wow, how on Earth is this country more developed than we are?” said Chinese Ministry of State Security intelligence analyst Lao Xi Ming from the smoke filled computer lab where he harvests technological secrets.
Ming said he was “expecting so much more” when he hacked into the Canadian government’s schematics for ship and airplane designs, describing what he found there as “profoundly obsolete, and occasionally baffling.”
“This one folder,” he said, “contained only a crude drawing of an F-35 that was clearly made in MSpaint.”
“After a little digging we were able to find their budget numbers. It was less than our department spends on bribes in a month!” said Ming, shaking his head.
“We really wanted to steal Canada’s research into rehabilitating polluted lakes and rivers” said Ming. “But it’s all been deleted, and the only search results that came up for those keywords were an mp3 of the Arrogant Worms hit single “Pirate on the River Saskatchewan”, the Prime Minister’s grocery list, and an old episode of Captain Planet.”
According to sources, the Chinese were able to crack Canada’s national research database when the hackers correctly guessed the password as “NickelBack4Lyfe”.