LONDON, UK – Nineteen-year-old megastar Justin Bieber’s career may be moving from the “golden years” to the “downward spiral” stage exactly on schedule, according to a recent report by Zurich University’s Pop Culture Institute.
The investigative report, which has been tracking the pop-music star’s career since he was discovered by entertainment media sources in late 2009, was regarded as fringe material until it correctly predicted two bizarre 2012 events: Bieber’s calf tattoo of Jesus in spring and the foiled murder plot against the “Boyfriend” singer in December.
Since then the cross-disciplinary study has drawn on an international team including economists, pop culture experts, historians, and juvenile psychologists to correctly predict his controversial UK tour, the fragmented and narcissistic social media outbursts which have accompanied it, and the medical issues of increasing severity weakly masked as “exhaustion” before the heartthrob is arrested for charges of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine this coming Halloween.
Head author and statistician Jaroslav Varsek explained: “We used a complicated algorithm which factored in the career trajectories of other disgraced adolescent celebrities such as Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, MaCaulay Culkin, Molly Ringwald, Danny Bonaduce, the girl who played Rudy on the Cosby Show, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Todd Bridges, Corey Haim, Dana Plato, Bobby Driscoll, and of course Michael Jackson. It’s a shame, we were all pulling for Mr. Bieber to defy the odds and become another statistical anomaly like Justin Timberlake. But now he’s right back on track with the Varsek-Lohan Model.”
