TORONTO – Speaking from an undisclosed location, embattled mayor Rob Ford told the Toronto Sun’s Joe Warmington that “rehab is amazing” and that he “went on Pirates of the Caribbean like three t...
123 Sesame Street torn down to make way for condos
SESAME STREET – Referring to the iconic location as an “eyesore”, Vancouver-based developers have announced plans to tear down 123 Sesame Street and replace it with a pair of 40-storey luxury co...
Northern Economic Development Agency creating jobs in remote region of downtown Ottawa
OTTAWA – The Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency revealed today new job numbers indicating that the Agency has been responsible for rapid job growth in the isolated region of downtown ...
Local man loses struggle with pickle jar
ABBOTSFORD, BC – After a minutes-long battle with the lid of a pickle jar, local husband and father Ron Sanchez finally succumbed this past Thursday, at home, surrounded by friends and loved one...
Results from Toronto Marathon definitive proof nice guys finish 1,376th
TORONTO – In total, 2,194 runners competed in the GoodLife Fitness Toronto Marathon over the weekend, many of whom were total assholes. But 32 year old local man, and all-around okay guy, David ...
Conservatives unveil new ‘just fuck shit up before 2015’ plan
OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as many...
NBA refs advance to second round after defeating Raptors
TORONTO – The Toronto Raptors were eliminated from the playoffs after a hard-fought loss to their arch-rivals, the NBA referees. “It was a really tough game. Very physical, and a lot of calls co...
Boston Bruins fans thank Donald Sterling for breaking the racist barrier
Inspired by Donald Sterling’s recent racist remarks, the hordes of disappointed and racist Boston Bruins fans took to twitter to voice their displeasure about the race of Montreal Canadiens overtime h...
Bashar al-Assad buys L.A. Clippers
LOS ANGELES – Following the lifetime ban of owner Don Sterling, the Los Angeles Clippers have announced that their new owner will be Bashar al-Assad, the current President of Syria. “The C...
New ‘Star Wars’ film casts Hollywood newcomer Mark Hamill
LOS ANGELES – Lucasfilm has released a photo from a recent table read of the new Stars Wars script, revealing the new leads to be John Boyega, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, and exciting unknown Mar...
