MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s consume...
Minister apologizes to public servant Deborah Parks, SIN #555 053 043 for privacy breach
OTTAWA – Public Works Minister Judy Foote has personally apologized to public servant Deborah Jane Parks whose Social Insurance Number is listed as 555 053 043 and lives at 394 Johnson Blvd, Ott...
Trump promises America endless sexual pleasure through ritual mutilation
CLEVELAND – In a controversial speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump promised the United States that undying sexual rapture could be theirs, if only they would give themselv...
Minister of Fisheries says ‘it’s done,’ drops bloody Kraken beak on Trudeau’s desk
OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa luggi...
Thousands of unpaid public servants processing their own EI claims
OTTAWA – Thousands of federal public servants who have not been paid due to a glitch in the Phoenix pay system software have preoccupied themselves by processing their Employment Insurance benef...
Quebec Human Rights Tribunal fines Mike Ward for making jokes, rules blackface still cool
MONTREAL – The Quebec Human Rights Tribunal has fined Montreal-based comedian Mike Ward $35,000 for repeatedly making fun of a young singer with a disability, Jérémy Gabriel, but concluded ̵...
Nation’s mothers still trying to remember ‘that’ actor’s name
OTTAWA – After several attempts to recall the name of a specific famous actor, Canadian mothers continue to struggle to remember whom they are talking about. “You know the guy”, said retired teacher a...
IOC to punish Russia for doping by forcing its athletes to compete in Rio Olympics
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has announced that, as punishment for the recent state-sponsored doping revelations, all of Russia’s athletes will be forced to participate ...
New baby unprepared to save marriage
MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way I can...
Local man vows to spend 30 minutes with date before catching a Squirtle
Unionville, ON — A local Pokemon Go player has vowed to spend at least thirty minutes with his Tinder date before logging into Pokemon Go to catch a Squirtle. RJ Henderson, age 29, remained comm...
