WINNIPEG – 7-11 has crowned Winnipeg as the Slurpee Capital of the World for the 14th time in a row, making citizens’ feet and hands tingle with joy. “This is a big day for our city” mayor Sam Ka…
National
Nation’s Uncles demand to know who farted
CANADA – Detecting a “funky smell coming from under the table”, the nation’s uncles unanimously resolved to determine which of their thirty three million nieces and nephews “let that one ri…
Report: Censorship in Canada at an all time ████ despite ██████████
██████████ Ontario – A report by the ████████████████████ has revealed that the ██████████government has repeatedly ███████ information regardless of ████████████████████ “████████████████████ …
Federal NDP Caucus now of legal drinking age in Ontario
July is a big month for Ottawa barkeepers as it marks the first time the entire NDP caucus will legally drink in Ontario. The 2011 federal election, which swept progressive teenagers out of their…
Persistent heat wave leads to construction of first ever trans-Canada Slip n’ Slide
OTTAWA – The Canadian government has responded to dangerously high temperatures with the building of a massive $3 billion Slip n’ Slide that will stretch across the nation. “It …
Parliament approves first safe objection site for MPs disagreeing with party lines
OTTAWA – A controversial new facility has opened its doors for MPs to openly reject partisan discipline and express themselves freely without fear of repercussions. Party-Site will be a safe zone…
Fired Sun reporter to try his hand at journalism
After being let go from the Toronto Sun, a former news reporter will now try to obtain employment as an actual journalist. “I’m pretty upset,” said Tyler Lyon, a victim of Tuesday’s corporate cut…
Harper hopes shuffle will improve cabinet sex life
OTTAWA – Attempting to spice things up in Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper unveiled a wide-ranging overhaul of his executive government on Monday, a move the P.M. is quite hopeful will…
Margaret Atwood jumps eighteen buses on motorcycle for youth literacy campaign
TORONTO – Two-time Governor General’s Award winner Margaret Atwood tempted fate yesterday with a death-defying stunt jump over more than a dozen regulation sized school buses in order to promote …
Quebec tragedy blemishes Transport Canada’s stellar 3-day train derailment-free record
OTTAWA – Transport Canada officials were disappointed that their 72-hour train wreck-free record has been shattered after a catastrophic derailment in Quebec. “I know this looks bad,” stated Mini…
