EDMONTON – With the October 19th Alberta Separation referendum approaching, residents of the provincial capital have announced that they will be holding their own referendum to separate the city of Edmonton from the Alberta separation movement entirely.
“At this time, we do not feel that participation in the Alberta separation movement is in the best interest of Edmontonians,” said Edmonton Mayor Andrew Knack. “Our city might be geographically marooned inside the province of Alberta, but culturally, Edmontonians are far more aligned with the rest of Canada. We vote differently. We dress differently. And sure, we hang truck nuts from the back of our lifted pickups, but never gaudy ones – we stick to tasteful flesh tones.”
Mayor Knack continued, “We strongly feel that Edmonton remaining a part of Canada is in the best interest of both parties. Being part of Canada gives Edmontonians access to a stable currency, strong passport, and well-regulated banking system. And in exchange, Edmonton runs seven of Canada’s prisons. If would-be criminals across Canada no longer had to fear being sent to live in Edmonton as part of their punishment, we would expect Canadian crime rates to triple almost overnight.”
“Also,” said Mayor Knack, “We’re pretty sure the NHL is just a US/Canada thing, and if we lose Connor McDavid we might as well just pack this whole city up and call it a day.”
Edmonton is not the only Albertan municipality to respond to the upcoming separation referendum by planning additional referendums of its own. The town of Drumheller has announced that it will hold a double referendum, voting to separate from Canada, and then to separate from the newly-formed nation of Alberta.
“We grow weary of your petty bickering,” said Drumheller Mayor Tony Miglecz. “Leave us to wander the sun-bleached wastes of our Badlands in peace. Leave us to mark the ages in the layers of the rocks. Leave us to our bones. But come and visit, we will still be offering discounted admission at the Royal Tyrrell Museum to Canada Strong Pass holders.”
Residents of Edmonton’s wealthy Glenora neighbourhood have announced their own plans to hold a referendum to separate from the Edmonton separation referendum and the Albertan separation referendums, on the argument that, culturally, they have more in common with Ontario.
In response to Edmonton’s planned referendums, the Albertan separation movement has proposed a dual custody arrangement, in which Alberta and Canada would transfer the city of Edmonton back and forth every other week, with alternating holidays. Under the proposal, Edmontonians would retain the right to wear cowboy hats in public and to call themselves Canadians overseas. Edmonton has not yet made an official response.
