MILANO-CORTINA – With Canada’s mens team defeating Great Britain to clinch gold in the Winter Olympics, Canadian skip Brad Jacobs is crediting the victory to his team’s delicate, sometimes-controversial fingering technique.
“We caught a lot of heat for our fingering earlier in the games,” explained a flushed, satisfied Jacobs after the climax of the event. “But nobody in the world fingers better than Canada!”
Team third Marc Kennedy, whose brazen fingering made international headlines, insists that his expert “double touch” was necessary to bring the games to a head.
“The Swedish team accused me of some dirty fingering,” noted Kennedy, “but I can’t think of a better way to caress a stone – or even a pair of stones – when you’re grabbing your broom shaft and hurrying hard.”
A breathless Kennedy added, “Does anybody have a cigarette?”
In a related story, the remainder of the 2026 Winter Olympic Games will be powered exclusively from sexual energy emanating off of the “24-7 fuck fest” happening in the Olympians’ Village.
