Waterloo, ON – The Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics put out a statement saying that after months of careful study, they can now claim that Prime Minister Mark Carney’s elbows are neither up nor down, but rather in an indeterminate superposition of both.
“During the election campaign, we could confidently state that all signs pointed to Carney’s elbows being up, but since then, it has been much more ambiguous,” said Dr. Marcela Carena, director of the institute. “For every action he takes to keep his elbows up, like refusing to give into the August 1 tariff deadline, there is a perfectly equal elbows down move, like cancelling the Digital Sales Tax.”
“The result is the critical superposition of Mark Carney’s elbows, which are both in constant flux and so stable as to never move at all. It’s truly quite fascinating.”
Physicists at the institute have been using novel means to try and measure the state of Mark Carney’s elbows, such as quantum microscopy, a Stern–Gerlach machine, and reading the news releases on the Government of Canada’s website.
Researchers also said the discovery of this superposition opens up the possibility of exploring other previously unexplainable quantum phenomena, such as solving quantum entanglement, determining the precise makeup of photons, and identifying why Canadian NHL teams can do so well in the regular season but never win at the playoffs.
“In quantum physics, a superposition implies that something exists in multiple states, such as the famous thought example of Schrodinger’s cat, which is both alive and dead, or how Pierre Poilievre both is and isn’t the leader of the opposition. The same seems to be true now with the position of Mark Carney’s elbows,” said Dr. Floyd Hawkins, the lead researcher working on the case.
Researchers at the Institute have stated that they are keen to see whether the new variable of President Trump’s 35% tariffs on Canadian goods will change their measurements.
“It is also important to note that this is not the sole superposition we have observed with Mark Carney,” said Dr. Carena. “We have also seen one about both standing up for and sitting down for Palestinian rights.”
