CMF
×
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Sports
Sports
Business
Business
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Merch
Support
The Book
Workshops
Amber’s Alert
National
National
Local
Toronto
Montreal
Vancouver
North
Campus
University Reviews
Canada Votes 2015
Carney confident government can meet spending cut goals as long as they make life a little worse for every Canadian
As part of negotiations with Trump, Carney agrees to celebrate Canada Day on July 4th
Liberals promise anti-democratic components of Bill C-5 will be used sparingly as long as Conservatives never get in power again
Carney limits G7 guests to one assassination each
Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick
CTV announces 24 nanosecond news cycle
Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
“Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car
Latest Drake track features his Mom asking Kendrick to stop bullying her son
Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing their dreams
Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Rick Tocchet announced as NDP party leader
Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane
Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver
Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Canada signs deal with EU on defence, entry to Eurovision
Trump urges Americans to just remember whatever bullshit let them support Iraq War
Trump demands Nobel Peace Prize for starting war with Iran
Minister of International Trade says Canada should apply for EU membership: “Canada is only 19km from France.”
Breaking: can we get an article posted on Trump’s latest tariff threat before he backs down yet again?
Trump urges Americans to just remember whatever bullshit let them support Iraq War
McGill says it’s cool if Harvard crashes on their couch until things calm down at home
Trump reminds Americans he only promised not to start foreign wars
Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Sports
Sports
Florida, Calgary win Stanley Cup Final
“Eh, fuck it”: Montreal F1 driver takes an Uber
Federal government opens distress hotline for Canadians forced to cheer for Oilers
Inventive refs develop new way to help Panthers win beyond the favourable whistle
Business
Business
Man fights male loneliness epidemic with mandatory Microsoft Teams meetings
Career coaches admit that “networking is key” just euphemism for “you’ll get absolutely nowhere without nepotism”
Researchers warn Tim Horton’s in-app NHL Hockey Challenge is a gateway to drinking their coffee
Rogers celebrates 20 years of higher than expected call volumes
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
New hit reality show begs to answer the question, “Do you want to ruin your life!?”
New Cirque du Soleil show apparently different from the others
“At least Mel Gibson is still a good guy,” states man with the memory of a grape
Snow White dethroned at box office by dimly lit video of man ranking Skittles flavours
Tampax encourages women to channel their rage into bigger, better periods
Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car
Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream
Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card
Blue Jays announce giveaway where first 15,000 fans get a family doctor
Ads playing on gas pumps now leading cause of hearing loss
Danielle Smith demands referendum to separate measles from Albertans
“Is it possible you’re just pregnant?” asks doctor staring at woman’s fractured tibia
Op-Ed : “Say what you will about us, at least we never blew a 27-point lead,” by Auston Matthews
The Beaverton demands same debate invitation as The Rebel, even though we’re not as big a joke
Editorial: Trump underestimates how proud, united and, most importantly, petty Canadians are
Op-Ed: The “Wicked” movie shows us what audiences really want — more films about green people
Man who wants kids unaware he will be expected to parent them
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire
93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Meet the Canadians who support U.S. annexation: this 42 year old accountant sucks shit
Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
Most popular Thanksgiving Sides in every Province
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele
Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race
Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic
Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Merch
Support
The Book
Workshops
Ccm9_ZcgS_o
Amber’s Alert
Meet
The Beaverton
’s new Beauty expert.
Want more satire in your life?
Check out the latest episode of our
podcast
