TERROR BAY, NT – Two years after the first ship from the failed 1845 Franklin expedition was discovered, researchers in Nunavut have found the wreckage of the HMS Terror, along with three survivors.
“Thank God you found us,” said Phinneas Burrow, one of the survivors. “We did not resort to cannibalism. Also, human meat definitely does not turn you into an immortal ghoul.”
During their harrowing 168 years trapped in arctic pack ice, the survivors were forced to subsist on mouldy biscuits, rats, and everything up to and excluding human flesh. Burrow says the three men passed the time by playing cards, spotting harp seals, successfully staving off ice madness, and by not imagining the rest of the expedition as giant, talking chicken drumsticks.
“Once again, and I cannot stress this enough, we are heroes of the age of exploration, and not ageless cannibals,” said Burrow. “What was that? ‘Where are the bodies of our crewmates?’ You tell me, you’re the historian.”
At press time, the survivors were working with the estate of Stan Rogers to update the song ‘Northwest Passage’ by removing the famous ‘cannibalism’ verse.
