OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Pierre Poilievre claimed after a question about trans women in sports, that “female spaces” should only be accessed by “biological females” and of course, the men in government who control their bodies.
“This all started with people’s concern with bathrooms that trans women can use,” stated Poilievre while trying to hide a recent Google search for ‘what actually are pronouns?’ on his computer. “Now obviously, as politicians, I and other men like me are allowed in any women’s washroom just in case a female tries to have an abortion in there, or gifts a tampon to a friend who forgot one – you gotta pay for those, no handouts.”
“And it doesn’t just stop at us politicians,” Poilievre continued. “Obviously others allowed in those women’s spaces would be husbands, fathers, ministers, gym teachers, and maybe very tall boys with commanding presences.”
Since Poilievre’s comment, many have assumed that “female spaces” implied washrooms and locker rooms. And after reaching out, Poilievre’s staff provided us with a definitive list. It states that “female spaces” also include: all girls’ schools, sororities, ringette rinks, stores for skirts, slumber parties, nunneries, Taylor Swift concerts, bubble tea shops, and something that he calls “period parties.”
“Yeah, period parties,” Poilievre explained. “Where mothers take their preteen daughters to the house of a classmate who got her period so they can catch their period, like chicken pox parties.”
Holly Choi, 33, a supporter of the Conservative party says, “Oh yeah, I trust male politicians about everything when it comes to women and our rights. I mean, a male politician picked this lipstick colour!” Choi then smacked her bright orange lips together. “So when a conservative says I don’t need a pap smear anymore because that sounds like something only a husband should be doing, I’m going to trust him.”
“Listen, when a trans woman needs to use one of these ‘female spaces,’ it just makes me uncomfortable,” Poilievre continued. “What’s she going to do, discreetly go about her business causing no real harm to anyone around her? Ugh! Public women’s washrooms should remain the safe havens they’ve always been, you know, with the occasional creep peeping at them through the too-wide cracks in the doors, and floater crackheads doing a line off the baby changing shelf!”
Poilievre then went on a 25 minute rant claiming that his life should be a Sims game where he controls everyone around him and if he wants to shove people he dislikes into a ladder-less pool, then that’s his right as a male politician.
No biological female was able to comment as they were too busy rifling through their calendars, trying to find the moment when they asked Poilievre to speak for them. Until now, they’ve still come up empty-handed.
