WINNIPEG – After losing to Wab Kinew and the NDP, Manitoba Progressive Conservative insiders have expressed shock that their last minute campaign encouraging voters to let their bigot flag fly in the privacy of the voting booth failed to deliver electoral success.
“We campaigned on values that Manitobans hold dear,” said former Premier Heather Stefanson. “Values like freedom, personal responsibility and being secret racists and transphobes. For some reason it just didn’t work.”
“Between that and making our refusal to investigate a serial killer who murdered Indigenous women a central feature of our campaign, we’re just not sure what else we could have done.”
The ‘vote like no one is watching’ campaign slogan was carefully chosen to maximize electoral returns. It beat out other proposed slogans ‘vote like your grandpa that flew a Confederate flag outside his home in Brandon for some reason’, ‘vote like a person who suddenly cares about the integrity of women’s sports because Trans athletes are competing’ and ‘vote like you are the Serial Killer we are letting get away with literal murder and you can’t believe your luck.’
“Sometimes even the best political campaigns can’t overcome the headwinds of an electorate that has grown tired of your government I guess,” added Stefanson before announcing her retirement/availability for corporate board positions.
At press time the incoming NDP government is hoping they can continue to maintain broad public support by not being some of the absolute worst human beings alive, but time will tell.