LOS ANGELES – Following numerous Oscar wins for the film Everything Everywhere All At Once, various cast and crew are acknowledging that they, much like many moviegoers, found themselves baffled by its content.
“PHEW! You have no idea how good this feels!” exclaimed producer Anthony Russo. “For the last year I’ve avoided going out in public on the off chance someone was going to ask me to explain that scene in the white room with the bagel.”
Russo added, “Now I can proudly say ‘I have no idea, but it was pretty cool, right?!’”.
Following his Best Supporting Actor victory, co-star Ke Huy Quan delivered another heartfelt monologue. “It’s been 40 years of being told by white dudes in suits that I was lesser-than, unwanted, undeserving. This statue is the culmination of months of tricking those dickheads into clapping like trained seals because their fragile egos would never let them acknowledge that I understood something they didn’t! Well guess what? I had no clue either!”
Quan then departed for one of many Oscar after parties, yelling, “Now if you’ll excuse me, me and my boy Chunk are gonna hit the club! SHORT ROUND WANTS SHOTS!”
Co-director Daniel Kwan took a moment to explain how his convoluted masterpiece came to fruition. “We’re in these pitch meetings trying to sell a beautiful tale about the immigrant mother-daughter bond, but these execs keep shouting back ‘Minari’, ‘Joy Luck Club’. Eventually we just started throwing out whatever we could think of.
Co-director Daniel Scheinert added, “I figure Marvel’s popular, so I blurted out ‘The multiverse!’, and that grabbed their interest. Then we just spitballed ‘kung-fu!’, ‘Sparkles!’, then ‘butt stuff!’! We had a green light, and absolutely zero idea what this movie was, or is, about.”
Best Supporting Actress nominee Stephanie Hsu admitted she was so confused by the script she almost passed on the project. “Honestly, I was lost at page one and was about to bow out. But then they told me I would get to beat up a security guard with a dildo. You don’t have to be a minority to see the appeal of that. But it helps.”
Oscar winners Michelle Yeoh and Jamie Lee Curtis made a joint statement “Confused?! Women over forty getting a starring role in a Hollywood movie?! That shit ain’t real! But that paycheque made a lot of sense!”
Before leaving for the after-party, Scheinert added, “We still weren’t sure we could get away with something this incomprehensible. But then I showed a rough-cut to Christopher Nolan and he said it was great”.