AUSTIN – Texas Governor Greg Abbott brought an end to state-wide mask mandates and gathering restrictions late Tuesday evening, boasting that – like everything else – state coronavirus death tolls are simply bigger in Texas.
“Big is what we’re known for. Big trucks. Big hats. Big ol’ power bills, brought on by decades of systemic deregulation of our power grid system that ultimately ended in big ol’ disaster. Big is who we are,” said Abbott. “And if we can crowd enough unmasked people into a Dallas Fuddruckers, I think we just might have the biggest gosh-darn death toll from a preventable virus that we’ve known how to manage since last April.”
Supporters of Governor Abbott have praised the move, explaining that the Texan value of being #1 at things outweighs the Texan values of being alive and breathing air.
“This is the Lone Star State,” said 68-year-old Marla Reeves, a registered Republican from Abilene. “That means we don’t come second in anything, whether that be football, covid deaths, or the number of people who look like Wilford Brimley but are not in fact, Wilford Brimley.”
“Will my grandchildren remember me if I pass away later this year from a disease that I picked up on a non-essential trip to JoAnn’s Fabrics? Probably not. But will my grandchildren remember the Alamo? You bet they will, and that’s good enough for me.”
Governor Tate Reeves of Mississippi also announced the end of mask mandates and distancing guidelines, in keeping with the important state value that Mississippi should always be a miserable, backwards place to live.