Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism.
Premier Ford, who has a sterling reputation for populist politics and aggressive cuts to provincial services, began exhibiting signs shortly after declaring a state of emergency in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. He first began showing mild symptoms like ‘empathy for low-income people.’ His symptoms worsened as he began to show gratitude and respect for teachers, healthcare workers, minimum-wage employees and, worst of all, the Liberals.
“We knew something was very wrong when he complimented Crystia Freeland, which is a clear indication that he’s losing his sense of taste,” said President of the Conservative party, Brian Patterson. “We made the immediate recommendation that he self isolate to ensure that he does not transmit that sort of opinion to others”.
Experts in the field of deadly diseases like socialism said the problem likely originated someplace in Denmark. “Despite what some people think, this is not just a disease that affects the ideal-compromised.” said socialism expert and ‘Big C’ Conservative, Dr. Leeland Marks. “People can be asymptomatic carriers of socialist thoughts and opinions. You may think you have a perfectly healthy love for a neo-liberal profit-focused economy, but little do you know you could secretly be harbouring the idea that housing and healthcare are human rights, which is obviously sick.”
“Socialism is incredibly contagious because it overwhelms the body’s sense of empathy until taxing the rich to provide a more just society feels nice and makes sense. To stop the spread, we ask that Canadians practice ‘Social Distancing”, in which you distance yourself from any type of politics that could be considered ‘Socialized’.”
Premier Ford will be moved to an ICU (Intensive Conservative Unit) until he stops saying nice things about The Toronto Star. If the condition worsens, experts fear that Ford could begin supporting a universal basic income, at which point he would be considered dead.
