MISSISSAUGA, ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores’ inventory of toilet paper, local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile toilet paper is also “definitely for coronavirus reasons”.
“Yeah, I’m just stocking up for the quarantine, same as all the rest of you,” blurted Charpman suspiciously, as he grabbed his third 12-pack of Royale 3-ply toilet paper. While many stores are advising shoppers to only purchase what they need during the COVID-19 state of emergency, Charpman has reportedly purchased an amount of toilet paper that experts deem, “way more than one healthy adult man should need.”
Witnesses report that Charpman, despite living alone and being unmarried with no children, has recently visited and purchased toilet paper from no less than 3 different Loblaws locations.
While he appears to be in average health, with no outward physical ailments, eyewitnesses could not help but speculate that Charpman’s TP stockpiling was for reasons above and beyond his fellow customers. “Man, there is definitely something wrong with that guy’s butt,” asserted fellow quarantine shopper Rufus Grimeswell, 45. “I got a wife and 2 kids at home, and I’m still only buying this single package of 24 rolls. But this guy’s carrying enough toilet paper for an entire office park!”
“What is he doing in his bathroom? Or rather, what is he doing to his bathroom,” mused a perplexed Grimeswell as he returned to shopping.
According to projections from the University of Alberta’s Rectal Sciences Research Division, the amount of toilet paper that Charmpan has amassed points to a significant, if not dangerous, level of gastrointestinal distress. Projections indicate that, unlike his fellow panic shoppers who typically use a small fraction of a toilet paper roll following a bowel movement, Charpman may well be using two or even three rolls at a time to combat “whatever it is he’s got going on.”
“Ordinarily I’d point to an unhealthy prostate or even severe IBS to explain this kind of tissue consumption,” mused research head Dr. Emily Huang, of U of A. “But Charpman’s bathroom habits have me baffled, if not genuinely terrified.”
Later that day, Charpman was spotted again at a local convenience store, cleaning out all the available toilet paper and, notably, tissue paper party streamers. “Oh, you know, just freaking out about the quarantine, totally the same as everyone else,” Charpman stated aloud to no one in particular.
At this point the store clerk described a “rumbling sound” emitting from Charpman’s lower torso, at which point he threw a hundred dollar bill on the counter and drove off in the direction of his home, “doing at least 90”.
