OTTAWA – A recent study by the University of Ottawa Department of Gerontology has suggested that the average Canadian who has been following the federal election campaign puts an average 36 years worth of aging.
“The gruelling campaign has left a permanent mark even on the most apathetic of Canadians,” said Dr. Konstantin Somme. “Repeated exposure to aggressive political advertising, anxiety-inducing polls that rise and fall hourly, and tedious debates loaded with posturing will have an aging effect.”
The effects from the slow-motion train wreck that has been the 2019 federal campaign have left many Canadians exhausted and withered suffering from many age-related conditions and diseases from heart disease to drowsiness.
“At the start of the campaign, I was a healthy 33-year-old who actively followed Canadian politics,” said a Aiden Katz, 80, horrified by his wrinkly reflection in the mirror. “But I listened to the nonsensical chatter from the pundits every night on Twitter. Now I have an enlarged prostate and foot gout.”
Dr. Somme also warned that exposure to just 30 seconds of listening to Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer speak can put a healthy 20-year-old through a full century worth of aging.