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Elf on the Shelf keeps getting into the...

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Liberal budget promises 10 bajillion dollars to whatever thing you’re into

Canada suffering productivity crisis, says government that does nothing

In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized

Trudeau wondering if he should try being PM of a different country, now that he’s got the hang of it

Man with dedicated folder for ‘back of the head’ selfies definitely not balding

Nation’s cyclists mortified after learning that stop signs and red lights apply to them too

Fuck! Group of teens just noticed you

White kid’s name spelled normally

Amazing! Bald eagles seen living in Toronto with zero roommates!

Toronto Police advise banks to leave big pile of money at the door to avoid being robbed

Eglinton LRT builders mail ransom note, severed piece of track, to Torontonians

Toronto Liberal MPs accuse Olivia Chow of trying to help Toronto

Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask

Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses

Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again

Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane

Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow

Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver

Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop

Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw

Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes

Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter

Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one

York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam

Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s

Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt

Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation

Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots

Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews

Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews

OCAD University: University Reviews 2014

NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government

Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority

90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party

Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
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UPDATE: Royal Family insists Kate has always had 3 hands, and King Charles is with her on a farm in the country

Buckingham Palace struggling to enforce Return to Office policy

Royal Family stands by photos, insists Kate Middleton has always had 3 hands

Ukrainian military discovers Canadian “drones” just old Sea Kings with GoPros taped on

OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase

OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder

Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”

Following fraud judgement, Trump offers followers chance to pay $355mil for one night of passion with Eric

Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”

Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice

July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Sports
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New Canadian Olympic uniforms made from real Alberta beef

NHL to expand to every city in North America except Quebec City

10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz

NHL player declared legally dead before trade deadline expects to be ready for Playoffs
Business
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Boeing whistleblower found dead in Boeing plane that spontaneously combusted

Conservatives announce that Loblaws will be exclusive distributors of new Porn IDs

Bell cuts 4800 jobs to create more participants for next Bell Let’s Talk Day

In event of cabin pressure change, air Canada instructs passengers to secure own mask before 360 roundhouse kicking the person next to them
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Law & Order Toronto criticized as unrealistic after showing Toronto Police trying to solve crimes

Conservative pundit decries rising divorce rate in his house

Denis Villeneuve apologizes for not giving Bonhomme Carnaval a cameo in Dune: Part Two

Edmonton family receives summons to appear on Family Feud Canada

Extreme home makeover? This man washed his sheets

Boy realises the magic really was in that amulet and not inside him in the slightest

Luxury porta-potty includes chemical bidet

Hero driver taps lightly on brakes before plowing into cyclist

4 hangover cures that aren’t as good as playing Home for a Rest by beloved Canadian folk rock band Spirit of the West at full volume

Malfunctioning embryo freezer charged with mass murder

Breaking: Coworker who gave entire office Covid promoted for never taking a day off

Read the curriculum for Jordan Peterson’s court ordered social media training

Editorial: Five ways to use your huge bazongas as literal weapons in the Woke War, by the National Post

Editorial: Women must date unpleasant men, and we’re not just saying that because we’re unpleasant men

You fucking Leafs fans still think I’m the worst Defenceman you’ve ever seen?

Is Buffy Ste Marie actually Indigenous? Six extremely white people weigh in

Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans

Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire

5 tips for betting on NHL preseason games while your whiny children beg you for attention

EDITORIAL: Why I’m not letting my kids use social media except the YouTube channel they star in that pays our mortgage

93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts

86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages

2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview

Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles

Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th

LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.

ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.

UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Five people you hope are not on the Epstein list

Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel

Devastating: Woman forgets “R” in email to Pedro

Most popular TV show in each Province

You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?

You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?

You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?

You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?

Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele

Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race

Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election

QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?

Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel

Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic

Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis

Canadians react to Pierre Poilievre’s “sexy” makeover

How To Go Vegan…Next Week

Guide To: Edmonton

Guide To: St.John’s

How To Lose Weight
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Elf on the Shelf keeps getting into the knives

December 18, 2018 by Aaron Hagey-Mackay ( @AaronHM )

News In Photos: Elf on the Shelf keeps getting into the knives

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See More: creepy, elf, Elf on the Shelf, knives

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Parliament’s Elf On The Shelf turns out to be Pierre Poilievre in a little scarf

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