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National
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Canada Votes 2015
Local man wearing baseball cap in February like winter some kind of fucking game
Trudeau asks Wilson-Raybauld if she could take blame for a few other scandals on way out the door
‘Communist Broadcasting Corporation’ Facebook comment lands uncle 5 years in gulag
Report: There are a bunch of cities outside Toronto with their own streets and buildings and stuff
Terrible time capsule buried by previous homeowners just contains dog bones
Panicked uncle handles sleeping baby like old-timey crate of nitroglycerin
Unemployed man thinks hockey player lacks hustle
Kingston residents shocked to discover terror plot not the fault of Queen’s students
Bruce McArthur pleads guilty, Toronto police still skeptical
Toronto man who wasn’t speaking told to stop complaining about the snow
Local man’s dog has better jacket than him
New homestyle restaurant just Lean Cuisines from the 90’s
Groundbreaking Montreal artist shocks community by changing ‘Arrêt’ sign to ‘Art’
Third year McGill student hopes to visit Montreal someday
Producers of SLĀV cancel show to concentrate on new revue of songs of oppressed white people
Montreal’s retired Old Port carriage horses relocated to Calgary Stampede chuck wagon races
Vancouver city council approves plan to extend SkyTrain vertically
Vancouver police say carrying assault rifles at parades is necessary to deter Ferris Buellerism
BC business leaders worry new climate plan does too much of not enough
Majority of Canadians relieved they can no longer afford to live in Vancouver
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Whitehorse grandfather from 2075 regales grandchildren about surviving with only 2 Starbucks locations
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
University anarchist group demands dedicated unsafe space
Campus leftists under fire for refusing to engage in debate with escaped zoo tiger
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license
China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’
Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party
Millennial taking spectre of nuclear war in stride
National emergency declares national emergency
Republicans furious to see Obama running for third term
Mueller indicts sixth Trump associate, four more gets him a free impeachment
Trump ends government shutdown after realizing unpaid FBI agents can still arrest people
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
September 28, 1972: Paul Henderson’s goal causes World War III
Sports
Sports
Edmonton expected to get hit with 10 cm of Oilers jerseys tonight
Referee reverses call after man yells at TV loud enough
Philadelphia Flyers relieved to learn that everyone else can see Gritty too
NHL expands to Seattle after determining it is city furthest away from Quebec City
Business
Business
Amazon abandons plans for NYC HQ after no one home to accept delivery
New ‘Roll Up The Rim’ prize gives winners a free coffee from better coffee place
Schick responds to Gillette’s #MeToo ad by releasing misogynistic razor
Johnson & Johnson claims asbestos in Baby Powder was benevolent attempt to fireproof world’s babies
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Comics
Netflix’s Bird Box sequel promises more birds, bigger box
Unrealistic casino commercial features people having fun
Maxime Bernier emerges as this season’s shady bitch who loves drama
Marie Kondo readers can’t wait until her TV fans get to the ‘red wedding’
Hacked psychic website compromises millions of users’ tarot card information
Two weeks into diet, popcorn ceiling looking a little too delicious
Makeup-free woman actually is pretty tired, thank you for noticing
Addict says she can stop bullet journaling anytime
Diet based on food linked to early death
Intermittent fasting championed by miserable, starving man
Alcohol reports it’s giving YOU up for January
Cool aunt forces everyone to smoke pot this Christmas
Now that my diplomacy career is over, I’d like to talk to you about the new Huawei Mate 20 Pro
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question “if I was Prime Minister?”
EDITORIAL: Sex with no strings attached is killing my marionette fetish
I’ve never tried weed before so I’m just going to eat 3 or 4 of these brownies
Baby never happier than when vomiting
Sleep-deprived parent fondly remembers days of being sleep-deprived raver
BREAKING: Baby not done pooping
Son finds dad’s stash of old hardcore police chase videos
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
Bob the Angry Flower: Press This
Bob the Angry Flower: Revolt
Bob the Angry Flower: Rhetorical
Bob the Angry Flower: Bank Job
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Harrowing: Woman trapped in store change room for three days attempting to remove ambitiously small dress
Going Public: This pensioner was overcharged on her car insurance so we brutally murdered the people responsible
Totally Retro! US kicks it old school with dangerous arms race against Russia
Impressive! BC Legislature $3,200 wood-splitter can cut up to 5000 suspicious expense reports per minute
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Hey you look like a smart person, do you want the chance to work for yourself and be your own boss?
QUIZ: Can you name any of the newly elected United States congresswomen and why not?
Quiz: Watching a Hallmark Christmas movie or trapped in an upper-middle class white person’s wet dream?
Quiz: Can you tell the difference between real Jewish holidays and ones we just made up but which might still be real, who knows
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Canadians abroad continue to deny knowledge of “Steve from Canada”
Blizzard Not Going To Stop Man From Barbecuing Mediocre Steak
Preview: ‘The Beaverton Year In Review 2018’ December 31 On CTV
Canadian Tire Money Truck Robbery Steals Almost $24
Watch: Season 2, Episode 13
Watch: Season 2, Episode 12
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
1532163
The Bravest Television Show On Air?
So very brave…
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