ETOBICOKE, ON – After claiming asylum-seekers were responsible for Toronto’s housing crisis, Doug Ford has added to the list of accusations, saying they’ve criminally mismanaged his family business, and botched the execution of Rob Ford’s will.
“It’s time for the feds to do something about these asylum-seekers,” said Ford. “They come to this country, they take our jobs, and they transfer millions into my bank account at the expense of my brother’s widow. It’s criminal.”
While Federal Immigration Minister Ahmed Hussen maintains that Asylum Seekers are not criminals, Ford has pointed to a Globe and Mail expose about how Asylum Seekers used to deal hash with their weird brother Randy in the 1980s.
“Asylum Seekers are responsible for so many of our social ills,” said Ford. “Remember how they cancelled a cap-and-trade program that Ontario companies had invested 2.9 billion dollars in, opening the province to a multi-billion dollar lawsuit? Or how they cost the province $100 million by cancelling a nearly-complete wind farm, which also opened it up to… another lawsuit?”
Ford also pointed out how insane it was that Asylum Seekers wanted to replace the sex-ed curriculum with one that was literally from a different millennium.
“If it wasn’t for these Asylum Seekers, we would all have free dental right now,” said Ford. “How crazy is that?”
At press time, Asylum Seekers had sunk the value of Hydro One by hundreds of millions of dollars after pressuring its entire board to resign.