Whether you’re smoking out on your porch while having a drink with your buddies or just having a drag before hopping in your car, you’ll need a place to put those cigarette butts, preferably in a place that isn’t just lazily tossing them into your neighbour’s backyard, Dave! Here are nine neat suggestions of things that any considerate person would put their used tobacco filters in, instead imposing that disgusting burden on others.
1) Tin Can
Tin cans are conveniently located in the recycling bin just steps from where you come for your smoke break like thirty times a day. It can make a perfect substitute for an ashtray and will most importantly, keep them out of my lawn, Dave!
2) Empty beer can
Which, by the way, Dave, empty beer cans also don’t belong in my Goddamn backyard.
3) The palm of your hand
Hey, it’s convenient! It’s right there! And yeah, it’s a bit of a pain for you, but frankly, I can live with that. Take some responsibility for yourself and stop making your poor choices my problem, Dave.
4) An actual ashtray
Wow! Ashtrays exist! Mind. Blown. Most purpose-built ashtrays can be obtained from a trashy convenience store for about a dollar. Amazing! If it helps, I will eagerly give you the dollar.
5) The green bin
Nope, cigarette butts don’t belong in the municipal organic waste bin, but cigarette butts have been winding up a lot of places they don’t belong, haven’t they, Dave?
6) The pack they came in
Incredible! Did you know that if you leave cigarettes unsmoked in the pack they came in, they won’t wind up strewn all over my fucking backyard? Amazing! Maybe it’s time you thought about giving it up?
7) One of your own flower pots
YOUR flower pots. Yours, Dave. Mine are nice, see? You’re clearly not watering those dried out peonies anyways, so butt out there!
8) A half-eaten pan of lasagna
Or an old shoe, or your sock drawer, or a vintage mid-century modern espresso pot. The fact is, I don’t really care where your cigarette butts go, as long as it’s not in my yard, Dave. I know you won’t understand this, but some people actually put work into their yards. Weeding, sweeping, mowing, and watering are the price of a beautiful yard everyone can enjoy. But bending over to pick your scrunched up Players nubs out of my plants just grinds my fucking gears.
9) A large manilla envelope
Which, by the way, I have been collecting your butts in for the last two weeks and am about to slide through your mail slot. Just fucking try me, Dave!
