Tory scientists begin thawing cryogenically frozen John Diefenbaker for late leadership run - The Beaverton
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Tory scientists begin thawing cryogenically frozen John Diefenbaker for late leadership run

CARP, ON – Deep inside the Diefenbunker, Conservative scientists have started the process of thawing a cryogenically frozen former Prime Minister to give their party a better shot at winning the 2019 .

The Rt. Honourable , who has been immersed in liquid nitrogen for the past 37 years, was known for winning the largest majority government in Canadian ; a feat party insiders want repeated.

“After reviewing the field of registered candidates in the leadership race, there is little hope,” explained Dr. Vivian Thompson, a specialist at the secretive R.B. Bennett Cryogenics Lab. “Diefenbaker is not supposed to come out until 2151, but we really can’t afford another four years of a Trudeau government.”

The former politician most notable for creating a Canadian Bill of Rights and cancelling the Avro Arrow project is expected to unite the Conservative Party with his populist appeal and fierce jowls.

“Our biggest challenge right now is ensuring his jowls stay intact after the thawing,” said Dr. Thompson. “But I really hope he’s forgotten about the Red Ensign thing.”

In related news, insiders at the obtained an ancient pagan spell book in hopes of bringing back the late Tommy Douglas.