Unbelievable. It turns out that picking a fight with one of the most powerful and beloved institutions in the world might finally be the thing that brings down Donald Trump.
“As a nationalist, I believe in getting a good deal,” said disillusioned Trump voter Robin Teslin. “But as an American, I have to take a stand against anything that threatens the flow of rich creamy milk into our great land.”
Even staunchly pro-Trump sources like Breitbart and InfoWars have released searing editorials, scourging the President’s flippant attitude toward the honest, rough-handed men and women who grasp the teats of the North.
“We’ve predicted Trump’s downfall many times before, but this must finally be it,” said New York Times correspondent Will Abdulla, clutching close to his body the precious bags of 3.5% which every American hoards and treasures. “It’s widely accepted that a thick, frosty glass of Ontario milk is the last area of bipartisan consensus.”
This milk feud comes at a bad time for Trump, who’s already facing criticism for going after another universally cherished institution, softwood lumber.
“Donald Trump’s stance on milk protectionism is a slap in the face to the decent folks who just want to come home after a long workday and enjoy a well-deserved 28-oz glass of Oshawa skim,” said Kellyanne Conway, sipping half-and-half from a chardonnay glass. “Even I can’t put a good spin on that.”
Looks like there’s no coming back from this, and rumours are circulating that Trump plans to step down.
“This is where Trump’s political inexperience really begins to show,” said Presidential historian Graham Howitzer. “You don’t mess with big milk. Kennedy learned that the hard way.”