WASHINGTON, D.C. — GOP Presidential Candidates Ted (“Teddy”) Cruz and John (“Johnny”) Kasich have announced that they will put aside their differences in order to travel back in time and stop front runner, Donald Trump, from ever being born.
“We must put an end to Mr. Trump’s goal of reaching the necessary delegates ahead of the convention,” said Johnny Kasich as he inspected the retrofitted School Bus that would serve as their time machine.
“Clearly the only way to do that is to go back to 1945 and prevent his parents from conceiving him,” he added. “I just hope the flux capacitor we activate through the windshield wipers can get us back that far.”
The elaborate plan set up over months of secret negotiations between the two camps calls for the two potential Commanders in Chief to emerge into a jubilant post-WWII New York and, through a series of hijinks and schemes, convince the Donald’s parents that the three kids they already have are more than enough love to go around.
Kasich is also hoping to meet a “foxy ol’ fashioned Dame” during the trip, who will hopefully not turn out to be his mother.
Although agreeing to the deal, Cruz seemed less excited about the experience.
“I wanted to just go back and slit baby Donald Trump’s throat in his crib, but Governor ‘No Baby Murder’ over there wouldn’t let me.”
“Whatever. At least I’ll get to know that I prevented a Trump presidency AND stopped two people from having sex.”
Cruz and Kasich say, if they have the time, they will also use the trip to truly experience the joy of life in an era when abortions were illegal.