OTTAWA – Defence Minister Jason Kenney has assured the Canadian public the bombs being dropped on Syria will be of the ‘very smart bomb’ variety fully capable of understanding the complicated ethnic, sectarian, religious and geopolitical implications of the Syrian and Middle Eastern conflicts.
Developed by Raytheon Canada, the new $2 million munition has a blast radius of 250 meters and is capable of speaking and understanding Arabic, Persian and Kurmanji fluently to help negotiate a ceasefire between warring belligerents.
“This weapon is not only laser-guided and capable of penetrating a bunker 20 meters deep, but also has the equivalent of a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies,” Kenney announced outside of the House of Commons. “Before impact, these very smart bombs will calculate for thousands of years of Middle Eastern history, the legacy of colonization, the shi’a-sunni sectarian divide and wind direction.”
The weapon is also programmed to follow the conflict in real time to account for the constantly shifting alliances and answer complicated foreign-policy questions such as ‘will Canada fight in support of the al-Assad forces to defeat ISIS even though he used chemical weapons?’
The bomb can easily change direction to avoid any civilian casualties and only identify and strike those defined as terrorists by the Canadian government.
According to sources, Prime Minister Stephen Harper is expected to use these hyper intelligent munitions as an advisor for an exit strategy.
