HAMILTON, ON – After what felt like years of being invisible to the rest of the world, local lonely woman Nancy Opham was relieved to discover this week that her phone has been listening to her the whole time.
“Nobody ever really pays attention to me,” explains Nancy, a receptionist at a local law firm. While waving at a glassy-eyed colleague and gesturing toward a name-plate that says ‘Receptionist’, Opham observed, “I don’t think anyone here even knows my name.”
After receiving several alerts from her phone about the weather, delays on her route to work, and ads for slouchy overalls, Opham realized her phone is not only listening to her, but tracking and remembering. “It’s like a thoughtful boyfriend, but better because it also has games.”
According to research by behavioural analyst Clare Blem at the University of Waterloo, there has been a significant spike in the number of people who prefer a relationship with their phone over human interaction. “If you knew that everything you said was being heard and remembered for all time wouldn’t that make you feel special? You’ll never have to remind your phone when your anniversary is. It’s going to remind YOU!”
“I mentioned how much I love Niagara Falls to an ex-boyfriend SIX years ago,” recalls Opham. “My phone clocked that and sent me a targeted ad for a wine tasting weekend in Niagara Falls and you know what? I think Phone and I are going to go together.”
When asked if Nancy feels she could be entirely satisfied with a relationship with her phone she replied, “If you’re asking if we’ve had sex, the answer is yes.”
At press time, Nancy had entered into a polyamorous relationship with her iPhone, Google Home and FitBit. “They get me.”