OTTAWA – After sustained criticism over several dozen issues, the Liberal government has promised to solve everything by legalizing weed even more.
“We saw that you were angry, so we listened,” said Trudeau, referring to national displeasure over pipeline approvals and pay-to-play fundraising among other things. “And what we heard is that you want weed to be way more legal than it already is.”
The federal government then unveiled an ambitious 90-point plan, tentatively titled ‘Smokescreen 2017’, that doesn’t address indigenous issues, healthcare, or student debt, instead focusing on making weed “like, super duper legal, you know?”
“I mean this doesn’t really solve my problem with their continued backtracking on electoral reform,” said local woman Lindsay Gilligan. “And, honestly, a lot of this new weed legislation is troubling. I’m not sure pot should be mandatory even if the nugs will be 100% dank.”
Additionally, Trudeau’s plan proposes that all libraries have a box of free doobies, joints, and blunts, that each homeowner must dedicate one room for hydroponics, and completely resolves the carbon tax debate through investment in “fuzzy, sticky, green energy… if you know what I mean”.
“We know what every Canadian wants,” said Trudeau, tossing dimebags to a crowd of displeased protesters who were objecting to inaction on Bill C-51. “Some pot in every chicken and a hotboxed car in every garage.”
This is the most successful application of drug policy since Robert Borden legalized opium to make conscription easier.
