TORONTO – Tensions ran high during the first day of the Jian Ghomeshi trial, after a last minute change of judge saw the Honourable Justice Billy Bob Thornton presiding.
“Would you look who it is,” said Thornton, softly, while making protracted and unblinking eye contact with the defendant. “Looks like I’m the one asking the questions now, Jian.”
“Any aspects of your career you’d rather I not bring up?”
Sources close to Thornton say he has always viewed acting and music as distractions from his real love of Canadian criminal law, and that anybody who so much as mentions the movie Sling Blade will be found in contempt of court.
“The witness’s testimony is clearly un, uh, sorry, reliable. I mean, unreliable,” said defence attorney Marie Henein, losing her train of thought as Judge Thornton wandered away from the bench, left the room, and returned wearing sunglasses and a St. Louis Cardinals hat. “Um, I guess the defence rests?”
Although Ghomeshi has tried to speak in his own defence several times since the trial began Justice Thornton has silenced him each and every time by talking over him with the same story about his favourite childhood magazine, Famous Monsters of Filmland.
“It’s not fair that someone like that uses their power and prestige to take advantage of people,” said a choked-up Ghomeshi. “It makes me feel so powerless.”
