OTTAWA – A recent paper by an inter-disciplinary panel has revealed that being entombed by one’s mortal enemy is now the most common cause of death among Canadians.
“This really surprised us,” said Dr. Henry Langstrom, the pathologist co-chairing the panel, “as usual, we were expecting cancer or heart disease to come out on top, but it turns out that a sufficiently motivated rival with a shovel is now the biggest danger of all.”
The upsurge in morbidity is being attributed to the fact that Canada has one of the most readily available sources of quiet, abandoned locations where low men can do low things. As well, recent census polls have shown that grudges and umbrage are at all-time highs.
“The environment is just primed for people to awaken suddenly in an enclosed chamber with a rapidly declining oxygen supply while their adversary laughs maniacally six feet above,” admitted Dr. Langstrom, “We all have to go some time, and it looks like the probable way for most of us is screaming in vain into the subterranean blackness. It’s best to just accept that.”
Its potency aside, the panel was also surprised by the proportion of citizens felled in this manner. In fact, over 63% of reported Canadian deaths in the previous year were attributed to being intentionally sealed underground by an enemy.
“Our statisticians are really going wild with the findings,” Dr. Langstrom enthused, “You would assume that no more than 50% of people could die this way since that would reach a maximum of half the population jealously murdering the other half. But what we discovered was that after dispensing with their competitor, the burying individual would then often develop a new enemy who would end up incapacitating and burying them, in turn. It’s all very fascinating!”
The panel concluded that, at any given time, between 10-15 Canadians are actively suffocating in a shallow grave, as their foe gleefully looks on. Interestingly, while the slow death by forced internment is the overwhelmingly leading cause of death nationally, there are provincial variations. For example, individuals in the prairies have an 18% chance of being tied to railroad tracks by their nemesis while those in the Maritimes have seen a 23% upshot in residents being marooned on deserted islands. Sales of pits and pendulums in Quebec have skyrocketed.
“But make no mistake,” Dr. Langstrom warned, “the common factor to all of these methods is an opponent specifically targeting you. We all have one and they tend to act much quicker and more relentlessly than other maladies.”
Doctors have made several recommendations as to how to best avoid this gruesome end. Suggestions have included not betraying one’s crew after a bank heist and avoiding tontines altogether. “Shortly, we’ll be launching our public service campaign asking Canadians to stop separating twins at birth just because one is evil,” Dr. Langstrom said as he brushed a stray patch of soil from his pant leg, “but this all may just be delaying the inevitable.”
